Score: 1

"ARGH! Crap, crap, CRAP!"

submission: The Chimaera Stones RPG

date: November 19, 2009

Ambitious, but rubbish, for the following reasons:

1: How do I *HEAL?!* I can't find a place or a way to 'rest' anywhere - I can't sleep at the Inn I started in, I can't kip down on the ground, there's no 'rest' button and I can't 'use' any beds, nor does anyone offer to let me stay at the Inn! This REALLY needs to be explained - I'm out of potions, out of wound balm, my Shadow is OUT of mana, and there's NO WAY TO HEAL MY PARTY!

2: Needs to be more EXP, and more ways to MAKE EXP. I've done the first quest and opened all the chests I could find, but only my Thief has even leveled up.

3: Needs to be more ways to make money. I'm playing a ranger, so I collected every single rat corpse I could find, thinking I could skin them and pawn them off for at least a FEW coppers! *NOPE!* Wonderful misleading character skill, there.

4: In a game where 90% of the enemies are 'animals', making one of the spellcasting classes' only offensive spell "often resisted by animals" was an awful move! The "Shadow" is almost stupidly useless - and don't even MENTION her stupid debuffs! They do all of jack and crap as far as actually helping me survive a fight, and they suck up her mana without doing much in the way of use. Her character profile needs not to have all that crap about consorting with demons and commanding vast power and needs to say she's a crappy debuffer with an offensive spell that won't work 90% of the time on 90% of the enemies in the game.

So basically, it was a good attempt, hampered horrifically by poor design choices and a COMPLETE and total dearth of documentation. I'm PRESUMING that at some point there should be a way to recover my party's HP/MP, but at this point that doesn't seem to be a safe presumption!

Score: 10

"Your high school physics teacher weeps."

submission: Jetpack Jailbreak

date: November 11, 2009

You fail physics forever, my friend. It was a good game, yes, very good... But...

GRAVITY DOES NOT GET STRONGER THE HIGHER YOU GET!

Gravity does not pull things against the surface of a planet. It pulls them towards the core. Gravity gets WEAKER the farther from the center of an object you go - that's a constant fact. You should, if anything, need the antigrav coil at the start, not at the finish.

You Fail Physics Forever.

Score: 0

"Very funny. 10/10 | 5/5"

submission: Madness T E T R I S ' D

date: October 11, 2009

Is what you SHOULD be getting.

But I'm voting you low because you told me not to vote low.
Newsflash, we make the votes here, not you. Sorry to be an asshole about it, but hey, this is Newgrounds. If you expect different, you're mad enough that you could take over from Hank.

Score: 10

"To be continued?! Nooooooooo!"

submission: Paws

date: August 16, 2009

It is not a coincidence, I think, that two of the best games to come out recently have featured the character playing as a fox in a 2d platform adventure environment. (Willian and Sly is the other one.)

This game is awesome. I liked the combat, here's the combos for those who don't like experimenting.

I'm going to use arrow-like symbols instead of writing it out. <^> are obvious, V is standing in for down.

<<<
Explosion. An arrow starts to rotate around the grabbed monster/rock, and it becomes a mortar. When you press V, the object flies in the selected direction and explodes when it hits. Not terribly useful, but amusing.

^<>
Laser. As Explosion, gives you an arrow, but that only goes from straight up to straight down, through the direction you're facing. Hits twice for 22 damage, and hits everything in a line. Not terribly useful, but it's fun to shoot people with your Kitsune Rock LAZOR!

>>>
Damage Orbs. Gives you a couple of orbs rotating around the fox that damage enemies. I never found it useful, and the sound is bloody annoying, so I didn't try much.

<^>
Firestorm. Unleashes a windmilling hail of balls of fire, that deal 2 damage each - but each windmill arm has a LOT of bursts, and each burst is three balls of fire. Great if you happen to be surrounded.

^^^
Rebirth. Gives you more health. This is fun, since ^ is a bite animation, and it's fun to watch little Paws chow down on the monsters for health, giving them a carnivore kiss. Even more fun to do it to a rock, though!

^><
Cherry Blossom Burst. Instantly kills the monster you have grabbed. Useful, yes, but not as useful as the next one.

>><
Stonemaker. Turns the monster instantly into a stone (killing it and giving you full HP credit for killing it,) and leaving behind a stone, which you can then knock around, chow down on via Rebirth for health, use to fire your ROCK LAZORS, et cetera.

There's not many monsters, so here they are. (note that damage numbers are based on playing Easy.)
Fluffy Wapa-Rabbit. It's a lot like a rabbit - weak, small, mainly harmless. Will nibble the fox's ankles for 2 hit points a nip. Toss 'em into the air and rip 'em apart however you see fit, or encase the wee bastards in a boulder.

Blackhound. Lean like a grayhound, black like, well, a greyhound that's been swimming in an oil spill, and aproximately as vicious. They're more dangerous, hitting for about 11 damage a bite. They're trouble, deal with them quickly - I reccomend encasing them in a boulder.

Big Bear-Dog. Imagine a cross between a black bear and a Rottwhieler. These are about as big, and about as dangerous, hitting for 22 hit points per bite. Deal with them FAST. I reccomend encasing them in a boulder.

Goddamned Zu-Bat. Seriously, it looks like an infernal Zubat that only flies along at an altitude of 14 inches. Knock 'em up into the air (too high for them to fly, because they apparently require ground effect for light) and deal with them however you see hit. I reccomend encasing them in a boulder.

Da Boss:

Swamp Beast. It hides in the swamp, launching it's mini-mes at you and occasionally splashes lethal mud at you. Jump over the mud, grab the minimes. Boulder spme of them so you have ammo at-hand instead of having to wait for it to launch one to get an object. Chow down on rock or swamp minime when you need health, and launch boulders at the beast as mortars (use Explosion) or fire your Rock Lazor at it. Or just charge at him for some nominal damage. Rinse, lather, repeat. Interestingly, you DON'T face him at the end, rather, about half-way through, and he vows vengeance.

There's a few friendlies - the owl, the wolves, the old blind lady. Then there's a damn evil red sprite that turns you into a midget for the last level. While a midget, you can't fight (having no arms nor forepaws,) only shield yourself. You DO gain a double-jump, though.

Score: 10

"Oh hilarious!"

submission: Holy Sprites

date: July 23, 2009

Just one question... What font did you use?

Score: 10

"Kept playing it - highly amusing."

submission: How to Raise a Dragon

date: July 9, 2009

Did find a bug, though. When you slay the dragon with the bow, and start a new dragon, pressing "c" makes the arrow launching sound, even though (obviously) the dragon doesn't have Arrow Breath or something.

Score: 0

"Had something going, then lost it."

submission: Free Will - The Game

date: June 30, 2009

What you've made here is an excellent example of sacrificing quality and funness in favor of 'doing it for the art', when the art is crap.

Yes. We know that in real life, you're bound by decisions you've made in the past. That does NOT mean you sabotage the 'try again' button on a VIDEO GAME and force people to reload the page to go again.

What you had was the engine for a great little retro-gaming fun-time experience. What you've done with it, however, is crap. Make a real game, not a 'doing it for the art' bullshit thing that's only enough game to whet the appetite then either gives you a bullshit nonstandard gameover, or has the entirely pun-tastic and head-slapping groaner ending of a guy named Will, being held prisoner without any bindings at all, in need of rescuing - to wit, freeing Will.

Score: 7

"Good idea, but some very bad problems bog it down."

submission: Epic War 3

date: June 28, 2009

Specifically, the AI Is A Cheating Bastard.

I'm playing the yellow hero, he's level 30, I have my taurus and dwarf engineers and centaur archers all maxxed, my black knights, witches high level.

I get to the enemy castle, start wailing on it, and - what the fuck? Suddenly, he just sounds a horn, and spawns AN ARMY! Okay, I deal with that army, HE DOES IT AGAIN! And then, half-way through that one, he does it a THIRD TIME!

And then I just get horribly, horribly steamroll-raped, ebcause I can't fight firepower of that magnitude. Oh, and his castle takes aproximately 50 times longer to kill than my castle. His castle, we were wailing on for aproximately a minute and a half. MY castle fell in about twenty seconds.

LAME! Fix the AI Is A Cheating Bastard issues, or it'll just continue to suck and be horrible. Oh, and the lack of a bow is a big problem, once your hero's dead, you have nothing to do but wait and pray your damn skill cards come in. Which they won't, because my hero is level 30 and he's capped, and I've only got three of five.

Score: 10

"This game is great."

submission: Upgrade Complete!

date: June 21, 2009

I think, however, that the vector-graphics version was the best of the graphics. Everything else looked like it was just, well, trying too hard.

Also, if you stack multiple lightning beams on top of one another, they all target the same enemy, thus converging into a kind of DOOM BEAM. I thought that was great.

Score: 0

"Too damn hard."

submission: Raider: Episode 1

date: June 15, 2009

There's a reason Platform Hell games stopped selling - and consequently, stopped being made.

Even on easy mode, this game is way too freaking hard. People play video games to relieve stress and have fun. Now, the leading cause of stress is a thing called FRUSTRATION, which games like this cause in abundance, and thus, they quickly stop being games and start being something you beat your head against.